What do I want to be when I grow up?

The "experts" ask, "As a child, what did you pretend to be while playing or say you wanted to be when you grew up?" Besides pretending to be magical creatures, the only thing I remember saying is that I wanted to be a teacher. I can tell you where I was and with whom and what we were doing. It was one of those moments I forever remember. The thing is, though, that I don't want to be a teacher nor would I be a good one. I have a really fast mind and get somewhat impatient and frustrated when trying to teach things to people with a slower response time - not talking smarts, just speed of mind. Plus, if I don't pay mind to my actions while teaching, I can be a micro-manager. Nobody would want me as a teacher. Neither good nor bad, it just is what is is - I am who I am. No, what I realized is that...lets see, third grade...at about age 8, I loved being a student. I've always loved being a student. I love note books and pens, chalk boards and I love learning. I watch educational television and listen to informative YouTube videos. I have to remember to take in a comedy or drama every once in a while so that I can stay balanced - you know, just doing something for the fun of it! ...not my usual M.O. I've always said that if I could get paid to go to college full time for the rest of my life I would. Of course, I would have to attend different colleges like those that teach metaphysical studies or classes that require travel for learning. Earth is a great school and undoubtedly learning is one of the top ways in which I love to experience life.

Then there is also that whole idea of, "if you had all the money in the world and all the time...if circumstances were just perfecto, what would you see yourself doing? What makes you feel really passionate?? Aim for that and never look back!" I can never quite answer that question and I always wonder why. Am I just not that passionate about anything? Am I too jaded to be excited about any possible path? I can tell you one thing, I truly believe that the creation of school to mimic a 5 day/40 hour work week has been programmed into our way of thinking, slave to the machine. So I try to get out of the box. I follow those on Instagram who live in their vans or off the grid home. I wonder if I could do that. And what else is out there that I don't know, that I don't know? I know I like to organize. I've even considered taking a job that includes dish washing, cleaning up and organizing, which are all things I really enjoy but I that doesn't pay the bills. In the end, that ideal question we are suppose to answer really doesn't help.

This year my job changed due to a merger of departments within the company. I went from engaging in a supportive team player type role to a check the box kind of job where nobody needs a cheerleader or gives a "hey, good job ~ atta-girl!" My job life has become a drone on existence where my blood has dried and my heart gone black. .......sigh....... enough of the depressing stuff - point is I've started looking for a new job. Twenty years ago, when I started this job, a person went to a company and handed in a piece of paper with all the info they would need. These days it's all online with a gazillion jobs and even more applicants. Besides that, I didn't know what to look for. This is the reason I haven't even considered changing my job, but now that it's become dreadful I have been forced to think about it. One good thing I can take from this experience is that I know what I don't want. I've also learned that I really do like helping people. Support functions are good for me as they give me motivation to do the work...but do I really want to be an administrative assistant? I'm not passionate about it. I always said that if I left this job, I would do something I really wanted to do or at least work for a company that relates more to my interests. If not, I can stay at the mundane job and at least have enough money and time off to travel.

Most every day I do something in the morning to connect with spirit. Yesterday morning was no different and I decided to pull some oracle cards. When I pulled this card:

from the Earth Power Oracle deck ( https://www.themodernwitch.com/cart/index.php/product/earth-power-oracle/ ) something dawned on me. I don't have to know what I'm looking for. By accepting the mystery, I can be more open to all paths. Spirit then told me to start with what I like doing - things that I can do right now, today. I like working with Excel, so maybe I'll take a class. Writing this blog is fun. I like helping people so I'm starting to put myself out there more when I can. Just yesterday my sister was helping a neighbor lift some heavy stuff and I asked if I could help. What other activities could I do right now? I don't know yet but I'm sure it'll come to me. I'm a little energized with this trajectory. I don't have to know what I'm going to be when I grow up. I can just do things I like to do and eventually something will come up.

So here's the kicker - this is backwards thinking to the way we've been taught and is a HUGE revelation for me. I've taken this challenge of having to know it all from skyrocketing into outer space down to a sandbox with matchbox cars. By doing this, I've made it fun and easy and realistic!!!! I can build this from the ground up, rooting seeds that will grow into new ideas. For, how....tell me HOW is an 8 year old suppose to know what they want to be when they grow up?!! That poor child has nooooo idea what types of careers are even out there and how could they claim to even know what a teacher, for example, really does? Also, if I had something I was truly hugely passionate about I would already be doing it. Sometimes the "experts" who tell us how to figure out life don't seem live in the real world. I'm guessing they live in books and ideas and thoughts or are just regurgitating something they heard someone else say. Or maybe I'm just that different and don't fit into the normal square hole. I'm just glad my listener is listening to spirit and my thinker is letting ideas come in. Who knows what I will create when I don't know what I will be creating. This could be real exciting to see how it unfolds. Instead of goal setting and taking one bite of the elephant at a time, I can let the elephant roam free, peaceful to munch on trees and have babies...ideas, growing to fruition.